Friday, March 23, 2007

Too True To Life Contest!


Years ago my husband and I argued over snoring. I was willing to admit that I did make a snort or two during the night, but he claimed he was as silent as a lamb. We had a voice-activated tape recorder that I looped over the brass headboard , and at about 2:15A.M. I was whispering, “The snoring in the background is my husband John. Nyah nyah nyah nyah na na. Told you so.”

Snoring is real life. Scratching unmentionable areas is too real life. I don’t expect to find such normal occurrences in romance novels, because they’re pretty much lust killers. I always laugh at the first-thing-in-the-morning love scenes, where no one visits the chamber pot beforehand. My priorities are a little different when I wake up.

What facet of real life do you NEVER expect to read about in a romance novel? Make me laugh. Please post as many jarring scenarios as you like here (the more the merrier---and increase your odds) by 6 P.M. EST Sunday, March 25. Don’t worry if someone else has your idea. Great minds do think alike. I will use the very scientific method of picking a folded scrap of paper from a hat, and the winning entrant will get a brand-spankin’-new copy of Jayne Ann Krentz’s All Night Long (no snoring whatsoever), other romance novel goodies and surprises. The Too True to Life winner will be posted on the usual Monday blog on March 26.

65 comments:

Sara said...

Too true to life: vaginal flatulence, also known as the queef, vart and/or pussy fart.
Actually, farting in general doesn't seem to crop up too much in romance novels.

Maggie Robinson said...

Way to start the list off right, Sara! And thank God we don't have to read about farting...we just have to live with it.

terrio said...

Gee, I'm not sure I can type anything after reading Sara's post. I'm laughing too hard. But I'll try.

You never read about the wet spot. And why is it when the hero is watching his lady love sleep he never sees that little bit of drool that is sliding down her chin to the pillow? The heroine never seems to notice the hair on the hero's a...backside and exactly how long ago did women start to shave their legs? This one is a real question because I have no idea. But I doubt leg shaving was big in medieval times.

I'll try to come up with more later. This is fun!

Lindsey said...

LOL you guys - only two posts and already I'm not sure I can top them, but I'll work on it.

Terri, women started shaving their legs in the 1920s - after the safety razor was invented and skirts went short!

MsHellion said...

*LOL* Yes, we can't top the farting comment--especially the vaginal farting comment. Lord.

You will never see a scene where the man and woman are on the couch, and he says, "Pull my finger." But I bet it happens somewhere.

OH. I love in romances than men are helpful around the house. They're cooking, they're doing laundry, they're picking up after themselves--there is not a wet towel to trip over! But you live with them for five minutes, and it's like they have household amnesia. And I know it drives women batshit, but I never hear them complain about it in romances.

Maggie Robinson said...

Yes, yes, keep 'em coming. I'm glad I've got the day off from work...I wouldn't want to laugh in the library!

terrio said...

Oh, here's another one. Where is the toilet paper? Characters in books never have bowel movements. Even in contemporaries. I mean, they are on the run, trying to stay one step ahead of the bad guy that wants them both dead, obviously eating fast food and no one has to go #2? I don't believe it.

And all that action in the stables in historicals and no one steps in a big steaming pile. Trust me, I've been in a stable/barn - it ain't pretty.

AprilsMom said...

Terrio, In Patricia Veryan's "A Wagered Widow", our heroine is on a picnic with a large group of people she doesn't know well when she DOES step in a big steaming pile of cow poop. Although she keeps dragging her slippers through the grass trying to get rid of the evidence, everyone who approaches her wrinkles their nose and takes a step back, including our hero. At least he is laughing--she is mortified!

Sara said...

Heroines never seem to burp. Heroes sometimes do, but never heroines. Too unladylike, I guess.

Sara said...

And you never read about curved penises which, from what I hear, are fairly common. Even a heroine who has some concept of how sex works might get scared by that.

Sara said...

And the hero always loves the way the heroine smells "down there." He never recoils and says, "A dockside whore would smell less fishy!" Considering the actual amount of bathing done in historical times, the always pleasant body odors are highly suspicious!

Sara said...

If we could title our posts, I'd name the above: The Tang of the Poon.

Can you tell that my family is into gross, bodily humor? My dad's idea of a good time is to pass gas while we're in the car and then lock all the windows. Yeah, it's frickin hilarious... NOT!

Maggie Robinson said...

Oh, Sara, you're putting us all to shame "down there." And don't forget the heroine tastes delicious as well. Must go wash brain now.

Lindsey said...

Sara, you're cracking me up! These are all too funny.

Not only do heroines taste good down there, but heroes and heroines pretty much taste good everywhere - regardless of hygiene standards of the period. No one ever has bad breath - not even first thing in the morning.

Heroines never have their periods at inopportune times. They never get yeast infections or UTIs.

Maggie, are you going to incorporate some of these into TRR? Show us what the characters have to deal with when no one is looking? ;)

island girl said...

Dang, Sara

Whats a vaginal fart? Just kidding. Can you imagine having that in a genre like fantasy and the men are going--"it farts?"

Y'know, romance never mentions the "stinky morning factor." The early morning kissing breath. I mean, it's almost like saying we "fart roses." Or maybe, because it's fiction--we actually may!

Maggie Robinson said...

Lindsey, indeed TRR has a few "verboten" issues already...both male impotence and virginity, for example. Very quickly resolved, I hasten to add, but not too quick because we all know a romance hero can go for HOURS (or at least pages) :).

terrio said...

IG - I don't know what you're talking about. My farts smell like roses. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it).

Here's somethings I wonder about:

Why do they never mention the hero's nasty-a$$ long toenails? You know they must be scratching the heck out of her hairy legs.

How much of each other could they really see by the light of one little candle? Or even from the firelight across the room?

Why does it take half the time to get the seven layers of clothes back on than it took to get them off? And that's after having to pick them up all over the room since he threw everything as he removed it...

Why doesn't anybody ever have to stop to get that hair out of their teeth? I'm just sayin'...

Maggie Robinson said...

I finally found your address and linked here to your blog, Sara. I have the very same Princess and the Pea picture saved to my computer.

Welcome, Island Girl! I'm sure you smell terrific. And Terrio, I'm off to cut my toenails now, and not a moment too soon. I actually spring for a pedicure every couple of months, but I am very overdue.

Janga said...

How many times can you recall a romance heroine saying, "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache"?

And if men IRL were as engaged in foreplay as romance heroes, some sex therapists would be out of business.

And speaking of smells, have you ever seen a romance in which a not-as-innocent-as-she-once-was damsel re-enters a ballroom after a heated encounter in less than pristine condition? No rips, no creases, no missing garments, and no BO.

CM said...

I can't top (or bottom, as the case may be) Sara.

Nobody ever mentions this, but British food is actually not very good. I know, I know. Tastes are subjective, yada yada yada. But I'm sorry. British food is just not good. It sucks. I mean, fish & chips is the highlight of it all. But bangers and mash? Steak and kidney pie? Puddings? Treacle tart? These things are not good. They are rather disgusting. British food is horrible.

There's a reason why the national dish of Britain is chicken tikka masala. It is because British cuisine is a wasteland.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/special_report/1999/02/99/e-cyclopedia/1285804.stm

Tessa Dare said...

OMG!!!

Note to self: No road trips with Sara.

Gee, what's left to mention? Along with the leg hair would go underarm hair, I suppose.

Even after 3 or 4 times, the heroine never gets dry.

And foreskins - I have this thing lately about the complete absence of foreskins in historicals.

That's all I can come up with for now.

Sara said...

My mother says I'm disgusting. It took her 23 years to figure this out? Don't worry, Eve - I haven't picked up my father's bad habits. Yet...

The underarm hair thing is interesting. I remember in one of the Outlander books Claire gets waxed at the French court and she finally feels "normal." I loved reading that. And again, the first time Claire and Jamie have sex, she tries to prevent him from going down on her because she's afraid it won't smell very good.

Oh, DG, let me count the ways I love you...

IrishEyes said...

OMG! I had to post just to say OMG! Sara you are too funny. And you took all of mine (along with everyone else's)LOL

Hellion - That "pull my finger" bit happens weekly at my house!

I would second the bad breath, the body odors from down there, and I don't think I've ever read where the heroine doesn't have an orgasm every time. There's fantasy right there!

CM said...

Okay, let's add one. Hello, refractory period, anyone? It doesn't matter how turned on he is. These stories of 30-year-old men who can perform again immediately afterwards are hilarious. No. Just . . . no. Thirty minutes, maybe. Fifteen, within the realm of possibility. One? Yah. Not happening.

Also, the third or fourth time you're doing it in one night, he's going to take FOREVER to come.

And while we're at it, maybe this is really TMI, but I really don't like direct pressure on the clitorus. Indirect=yummy. Direct = weird and distracting. In the romance novel, it's always like this magic button. You know, "click here and win a free iPod."

Maggie Robinson said...

Janga: Noted, no smell of semen (but you phrased it in a far more lady-like manner)

CM: When you wrote about the refractory period I immediately thought of furniture (refectory table...obviously I confuse sex and food). Thanks for the science lesson!

Eve/Tessa:Noted, vaginal dryness. Wonder what they used back then? If you can find out about breast-feeding, you can find the K-Y substitute!

Irisheyes:Great expectations!!! Although I sometimes find it refreshing when a heroine doesn't immediately love sex...it makes her guy work harder.

These posts have been beyond MY expectations!

Lindsey said...

lol CM!

I have to come back to hair again, because though the heroine has think, lush hair on her head and soft, downy curls in her nether region, she doesn't have a single unwanted hair anywhere on her body - no unibrow or other facial hair, no troublesome bikini line to worry about. Must be nice!

Also, no PMS or bloating.

And no leg cramps.

MistyJo said...

LMAO!

Okay, I have one to add. What about the hero digging in his ass?!? My ex-husband is notorious for this. It's the best birth control method I know. What a turn off! Ewwww! When he would dig at his ass, he would still have on his white undies...well at least what was left of them. They usually had holes in them from the digging. And what he rubbed away of his underwear would form white lint balls down the hairy crack of his ass. I couldn't see a romantic hero doing this.

Maggie Robinson said...

As long as we're on hair...hairy moles, or moles in general. Everyone has unblemished skin. I could keep a dermatologist in business forever. Now THAT'S TMI.

terrio said...

I'm sorry but MistyJo wins the TMI award for the day. That is so gross. And you felt the need to go into great detail. I'm now having horrible flashbacks, thankyouverymuch.

Is it wrong that I had no idea what refractory period meant until I read further? LOL! I'm excited I learned something new!

And I so agree. I get men into bed so infrequently, I feel like I'm taking a refresher course because I forgot alot of this stuff.

That's my contribution to TMI....

PJ said...

OMG, these are too hysterical! Sara, your first post had me about falling off my chair! LOLOLOL

MistyJo said...

Sorry about the flashbacks, Terri. If it helps, I didn't reveal my ex's worst turn off. No one should be submitted to that one.

PJ said...

OOH! OOH! OOH!

I read a book this week where the hero had a CURVED PENIS! REALLY!
It's HEAD OVER HEELS by Susan Andersen. The dialogue goes like this...

Coop's erection rose out of a thatch of sandy blond curls and jutted straight up. Except it wasn't straight. You could probably fit an inverted soup bowl between root and tip. "It...curves", she said faintly.

Maggie Robinson said...

Maybe I'll have to consider an award for the grossest gross-out! No, no, no. My grandmother is revolving in her grave like a rotisserie chicken at Stop 'n Shop.

PJ, I am amazed you found that passage!

elyssany said...

Gah it deleted my post!!!

Okay, so what about: picking noses, morning erection, toilet seat never being put down, wet spots in the bed after sex, pad/tampon emergency shopping, too-tight jeans, pimples (notice that the heroine's face is usually clear and clean as a whistle - I HIGHLY doubt that)...

But laughing out loud at these comments.

terrio said...

I do appreciate the consideration, MistyJo. But I'm sure it's nothing I haven't heard. My ex used to think it was funny to fart on my leg in bed. Called it "marking" me.

So, how come the hero never marks the heroine in this way? LOL!

I would say how come we never see condoms in books but I just read a scene with a condom this week. And it's historical! I think most of you know which book I'm talking about. That was a great scene.

TiffinaC said...

Dammit!!!! Sara said mine! seriously I thought no one would be ballsy enough to say pussy-fart! Sorry, waxing tiff eloquence!

And Tessa...that foreskin thing bugs me to...though I recently read a contemporary where it was spelled out numerous times that the hero had foreskin (and it was pierced) Though he was on the huge side and liked it rough and I had to wonder why this wouldn't hurt the ever-tight heroine.

I'll think of more soon!

TiffinaC said...

Oh dear to the ex comments...EWWWWWW!!!!!

And I totally loved DG for fixing the hair problem with Claire and I remember Jamie commenting on what the hell happened to the hair under her arms and on her legs.

And can I say, NEVER does a hero miss the vaginal entrance. There one that wasn't mentioned!

Sara said...

Oh, PJ - I think I'm going to have to get that book!
Sorry, Tiff. Didn't mean to steal your thunder! ;)
The farting on the leg thing is just gross... That should win something!

CM said...

Oh, Tiff. So true. Every time I read, "He pulled up her skirts and entered her in one powerful thrust" I wince internally, imagining sensitive flesh ramming into sensitive flesh.

terrio said...

You know, I think footmen should fart. I mean, they are always just standing there trying to be invisible.

And why do we never hear how nasty the pond is when they go swimming in there. You can't tell me that would be beautiful, clear water.

And the women always have perfectly soft hair (always with the little curling tendrils) but they just had that soap. I have tons of 'product' and still...can't get a good hair day.

An amendment to Tiff's - and they guy never falls out. Don't you hate when that happens?

IrishEyes said...

Okay, I was reading this while having a little snack before bed and nearly choked to death!

MistyJo wins the TMI award. That is really gross and I just want to say I'm glad you put ex in front of the husband part.

Sara said...

Okay, here's another one that actually relates to Eve's blog because that related to my WIP. I read a lot of romances where the highborn lady decides to buck tradition and nurse her baby. Great. Awesome. When the hero and heroine resume relations - and aren't they always just counting down the days until the doctor/midwife said they could - where does all the milk go? I've been told that it definitely leaks and can even spray, yet I haven't seen any mention of this in romances.
The exception, again, is Diana Gabaldon, but I'm still not sure how I feel about the scene with Frank (her "ex") where he, uhm, nurses? I mean, if it was Jamie, it would be hot, cause Jamie is always hot, but I don't know how I feel about breastfeeding anyone old enough to have teeth!

Maggie Robinson said...

I can see I never should have gone to bed. Pierced foreskin. Oh my.

So far we have about 48 different no-nos in romance. Very impressive!

Maggie Robinson said...

Oh, and in the TMI category, I nursed four kids and can assure you it is perfectly possible to make love without sprayage or leakage. I must go have my cup of tea now and repent.

Di R said...

if the hero does use a condom, I've never read where he removes it-where do they go?

Di

terrio said...

Di - you have to read And Then He Kissed Her by Gurhke. It's the first time I've ever read an author actually address this issue. Especially in an historical!

Kim from IN said...

OMG! You guys are crazy!

You never read about Dutch Ovens in a book. And now I don't mean the big ole pot you cook in either.

Heroines NEVER fart during sex or discover after sex that they started their period.

*ahem* Not that I personally know ANYthing about any of the above. *ahem*

IrishEyes said...

Okay, I breast fed 2 kids and I did leak during sex, especially if we were in the middle of things, so to speak, and one of the little ones started crying. TMI sorry!

I have read about condoms and disposal of said condoms in several stories recently. I know they were contemps, though, not historicals. Probably Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Jennifer Crusie or Rachel Gibson. Not sure who though.

And I know I'm probably foolish for asking this, but what the heck is a Dutch Oven. I swear I feel so out of the loop sometimes.

Maggie Robinson said...

Irisheyes, I'm with you!Loopless. But maybe we really don't want to know...

CM said...

Speaking of condoms .... I always laugh when the hero in a historical pulls out a "packet" filled with French letters.

They reused 'em back then, you know.

PJ said...

Eeeewww. More than I needed to know, CM. lol

Add me to the loop y'all. I have no idea what the 'dutch oven' is either.

MistyJo said...

What about men who are continually adjusting themselves? You know the ones who are touching themselves every few minutes to make sure that their tally whackers are still attached...flashbacks of guys in high school. GROSS! And jock itch for that matter? You know with riding all those horses, areas must have chapped or calloused! Oh, and man boobs! You never hear of man boobs, ugly feet, or saggy balls.

TiffinaC said...

Here you go for a TMI....I breast fed both my kids for almost a year (each) would have gone longer if they didn't try and chew them off :)

Anyways, I leaked and sprayed every single time during sex...and lets just say it was the hubby's goal to keep it going...some men just find it 'hot' hot it leaves a crazy mess and and even crazy wet spot :)

And well you aren't so much as breast feeding your play mate sara, it's just a game of...well hell I don't know what it's a game of, but like i said, some guys just like it (and my hubby thought it would be gross...hehe)

Tiff...still thinking of another too true to life scenario...

Maggie Robinson said...

I am becoming more and more frightened to log on here. Beware of what you ask for is taking on a whole new meaning! Seriously, you guys are a riot. Y'all deserve something besides my appreciation. Hope it's been as much fun for you as it has been for me. My husband thinks I'm going insane cackling to myself...he could be right.

TiffinaC said...

Oh dear misty...saggy balls...bad imagery happening in my head...no hairy ass men either :)

MistyJo said...

LOL! Tiff, it's amazing what you find out when you work in a nursing home, or know someone who works in nursing homes...old men in hospital gowns walking down the hall with something swinging between their knees like pendulums! I know, I know...TMI!

Maggie, thank you for this discussion topic. I've had a blast reading everyone's thoughts.

RevMelinda said...

Hi Maggie and y'all,
I loved this! My own (TMI?) contribution is in the same vein as the "wet spot"--i.e., after the hero and heroine make passionate unprotected love in the coat closet and then return to the ball, how come the heroine doesn't ever have stuff--er--dripping down her legs as she dances? (We know she's not wearing underwear because the hero has just thrown up her skirts and gone at it.)
Similarly, what about that little "gush" that sometimes happens hours later?
Just wondering!
Melinda

terrio said...

That's another things. Isn't it funny how the hero will go right down there but then always tell the sweet innocent heroine that she doesn't HAVE to do that for him.

And in contemps, there is always the requisite sex in the shower. But no one ever falls. Come on, it's slippery in there. And unless you have those little seats, well it's just complicated. That's what I hear anyway. *looking innocent*

And quite often in contemps there is never condoms mentioned. I wonder, are we just supposed to assume the heroine is on birth control? Even when we just found out she hasn't been with anyone in a looooonnnnnggggg time?

Santa said...

Ya know, every time I thought I had one, you guys already covered it! But that's alright! Sara should get a prize for most prolific!

I'll just add that on that rare occasions when the heroine, um, returns the favor, the hero always seems to come up smelling like a rose or at best that 'musky' scent. Musky, huh? And no swallowing either. The hero manages to lift her up and carry her to the bed, have at it for a good two pages (twenty minutes or 1000 words) and then spill himself in her. Right....just like real life! Well, at least that's the way it is for some of us.....

Maggie Robinson said...

RANDOM drawing, or I'd never be able to decided between the most, funniest or grossest! I got to thinking over the night that we're seeing lots of chubby heroines (lusciously curved I think is the way authors are writing it), but we just don't see any fat guys...or if we do, they're like Rafe who loses his gut along the way. Where are the Chris Farleys and John Belushis of romance? Oh. Dead.Thanks, Misty, for making me think of flabby body parts.

Tiff, Terrio, RevMelinda, Santa, I'm avoiding all liquids today in your honor. They're dangerous!.

BernardL said...

Thank you for a most entertaining and enlightening profile of what never makes it into romantic literature. :) I would like to add one mundane one if I may. The heroine of a romantic novel never uses a litany of what the kids have coming up in the day, or a grocery list of actions to be taken at her work, as foreplay. The scent, hair, secretions, or nonverbal noises of a woman almost never turn a man off. The aforementioned preludes into sexual adventure will take an iron willed man to do the deal. :)

IrishEyes said...

I got another one! I got another one! How about a charley horse?! No one ever throws their back out or has a leg cramp while going through all their Cirque De Soloiel moves. Exercising body parts that I'm almost positive most virgins have never exercised before (unless Pilates was big in the Regency period).

I would also add to Terri's shower thing with how do they do it in the water (pools, ponds, rivers, etc.) - has never really worked that well for me.

TiffinaC said...

Shower works quite well actually...but the man has to be able to hold you against the wall.

As for ponds???? EWWWWW I wouldn't want the sludge water slushed inside of me with the man's dick...sorry that wasn't a polite way to say it.

But pools work, it just requires a lot of maneuvering and laughing, unless of course there are stairs in the pool or you are in the shallow end cause you can just wrap your hips around the guy.

Really you can do it everywhere with ease and a little determination :) Remember all these heroes are fit and muscular and usually taller than the girls...

Tho drawfs would be perfect eat me size they just don't have any staring roles that I know about.

terrio said...

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Where are the average (or below average) sized heros. And I'm talking height here. I think we've mentioned you never hear a heroine say "Is that all you've got?" when she sees the man for the first time.

You never read that the hero is 5'6". LOL! Come on, short guys need love too. As well as the big boys. I'll second that one. Where are the big boys in romance? And isn't it amazing how Rafe just whipped right into shape? Yeah, right.

Ericka Scott said...

Well Maggie --- I missed the contest, but OMG, I've never laughed so hard in my life!