Thursday, August 30, 2007

Enter At Your Own Risk

There are lots of articles regarding how difficult it is to write good sex scenes. Those of us who try to write know how true this is. My youngest daughter, the brat, used to work in a store where the employees would take turns reading "the good parts" aloud to each other when there was a lull. They’d snort and snicker in superiority, too young to appreciate they were still limber enough that any inane position they were mocking was still technically possible for them.

I came across the following. No author or title…I’m trying to protect the not-so-innocent.

“With unerring accuracy, he speared her humid depths in a single powerful thrust.”

This is wrong on so many levels. I’m thinking targets, forks, weather, rockets.

Contest!!! Please feel free to add a howler for our amusement from anything you are currently reading/have read. Or, write something bad yourself. Just one sentence, please. Oh, okay, more if you must. I’ll even add this authentic gem from my own writing:

“He entered her with no further preamble.”

Preamble! I hope his constitution was strong.

One random wit will receive September’s prizes. Winner and a new post on September 7.


Tessa Dare said...

Oh, Maggie - another brilliant idea for a contest. The worst part about that quote, for me, is the "unerring accuracy" part. Does the guy often miss? If so, ... Ouch!

I have had so many howlers in past (oh, and probably current) versions of GOTH. One that still cracks me up that I can remember off the top of my head went something like this:

"He could feast on her all not long and never be sated."

To which my brilliant CP CM said,
"Sounds like ZOMBIES!"

Unknown said...

what an awesome game!

I haven't written a naughty bit yet (still a virgin in those waters ;D)

I have written a little in another story of a good makeout session. It's a little corny out of context:

"Their noses met and danced in a hot little procession to find each other’s lips."

can noses dance? ;D

Hellie Sinclair said...

I will have to think about this. This is too delicious of a contest to pass up.

Terri Osburn said...

Z - LOL! I can just see those cartoon noses they have in those allergy commercials dancing around.

I haven't written a sex scene either. But a particular line came to mind as soon as I read this. I cannot however, post it since it's from Tiff's current WIP and she would kill me.

Especially because I find it hysterical and I'm sure she thinks it's hot. LOL!

*ducking and running*

BernardL said...

He aimed, fired, and blasted into the wrong target, evoking a startled scream of protest. :(

Tiffany Clare said...

Here's the one Terri thinks is freaking hilarious:

"Dammit, he should have taken more time to carefully wash the traces of her sweet cunny from his face"

I may have to delete it

Tiffany Clare said...

Okay it's not the only one....

apparently I like the purple prose

So close yet so far. She came, as he demanded… hard and furious, as he pumped into her body the sound of their flesh slapping spurning her on further, her juices slicking her thighs against his sac.'s scary looking back.

Terri Osburn said...

LMAO!!! I'm sorry but those just crack me up.

I'm sure my comeuppance will hit me when I finally get around to writing my own scenes. What goes around comes around and all that jazz.

Maggie Robinson/Margaret Rowe said...

Oh, I'm loving these! I needed a bit of a pick-me-up since school started. Please don't hesitate to share more, more, more!

Sara Lindsey said...

From an erotica anthology:

"He felt her ravaged pussy spasm."

"She felt herself cream."

I'll find some better ones... you know this is my kind of contest!

Ericka Scott said...

I've written quite a few howlers...but I'll have to go searching for the funniest, wittiest, and weirdest!

Maggie Robinson/Margaret Rowe said...

I'm counting on you to come back, Ericka!

And I knew I could count on Sara!

irisheyes said...

These are hilarious! This is definitely not my forte, but I'll be on the look out now and try to join in.

Hellie Sinclair said...

"The world around her imploded, quaking outward on a sea of pleasure."

"At the feel of her warm wet core teasing at him, he steadied her rocking hips with his hands."

Yuck it up. From my first book--a horrible horrible scene.

Elyssa Papa said...

From a published novel that is not only purple but tries to be um scandalous, I guess:

"But his cock ... he grasped her hips, holding er, and slid his burning cock beneath the vee of her buttocks and through the juices of her sex, and she saw the red purple of its head just poking from beneath her bush."

"I'm going to suck you like a lollipop."


Tiffany Clare said...

OMG Ely!!! Those are freaking hilarious... And I've read that lollipop line somewhere before.

Terri Osburn said...

This is from an erotica I just happen to have...err...sitting around.

The *heroine* has just serviced the *hero* while he was driving.

"And he knew it shouldn't surprise him when she kept her pretty lips wrapped around him and sucked him completely dry, but it still did."

I'm going to go brush my teeth now...

Anonymous said...

I did not buy this book.

Pinning her to the wall, the scalding thrust of his prick slid between her thighs and parted her aching flesh.

Ouch. A little later...

His knees bent and clasped the outside of her legs, winching them about his stiff staff.

Double ouch.

Janga said...

From a 2006 pub that shall remain nameless and which, I am happy to say, I won. I would hide my face in shame if I had paid money for this wallbanger.

"His hand found her jean snap and flipped it open with dangerous dexterity as he rubbed against her."

"She shifted to take him to the fullest and knew the need to mate with him, to make him spill his seed into her. She wanted his babies."

Unknown said...


she wanted his babies!?!?


Guys, these are hilarious.

Atherley said...

Ohmy, but these are ... inexplicable. Hilarious. Lamentable. Utterly painful to read (and imagine). ROFL!

But I do admit to being confused about something.

Maggie, when you say how "the brat' and her co-workers took turns reading--well, what were they reading? To these tired eyes, it seemed you implied that they were reading your own work!

Lenora Bell said...

Hilarious contest, Maggie.

He wanted to savor her clasping tightness around him, push in slow inch by slow inch.

Maggie Robinson/Margaret Rowe said...

Lenora, clasping? I just think of jewelry, which I suppose is possible nowadays.

Anne, no no no. Paperbacks were available for sale and Daughter #3 (who kind of objected to being called the brat because, really, she's pretty perfect) "previewed" them with her little cohorts. She reads the blog but not my books!

Janga, I prefer dangerous dexterity to calm clumsiness myself.

Ely, I will never eat another Tootsie Pop without thinking of you.

Hellion, quake onward and upward!

Terrio, don't forget to use some mouthwash too. *g*

Anon, I love alliteration but stiff staff is really ridiculous!

Keira Soleore said...

Dear Maggie and other commentators on MRMR:

Due to a wide of health reasons and family issues, I'm drastically limiting my blog and board posting. I'm sorry to say this is one of them. However, I'm sure I'll see all of you elsewhere on the blogosphere.

Warm wishes and speedy writing!